Stream of Conciousness Sunday: NaNoWriMo

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It’s five minutes of your time and a brain dump. Want to try it? Here are the rules…

• Set a timer and write for 5 minutes only.
• Write an intro to the post if you want but don’t edit the post. No proofreading or spellchecking. This is writing in the raw.
• Publish it somewhere. Anywhere. The back door to your blog if you want. But make it accessible.
• Add the Stream of Consciousness Sunday badge to your post.
• Link up your post.
• Visit your fellow bloggers and show some love.

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I've been toying with the idea of trying NaNo this year. I've tried int he past and failed misrerably. Mainly because I either run out of steam or get behind in my daily writing goals. Not sure why this year will be different but I am feeling the need to get back to my creative writing. I have characters that need to speak and get out of my head. I have places that I want to describe and take these characters to. I have emotions that they need to go through.

There is the chance, actually a really good chance that I won't finish what I start. But I think that's okay. I just want to write. Writing on this blog is fun but it's not the writing that I crave to do. I think that's why I've never taken this very seriously or had long term goals for it. 

I have a book in me and even if it never sees the light of day, I want to be able to say I wrote one. In it's entirety. Okay, that's a lie. I'd love to say I published one but I'd be half satisfied to say I completed one and it's sitting on my harddrive waiting to be submited. For goodness sake S. Meyer says Twilight came to her in a dang dream...and look how she's laughing all the way to the bank. I apologize to those that love the series but the writing is mediocre, at best.

So NaNoWriMo...here I come.

Want to join the Sunday fun? Click below:

Stream of Conciousness Sunday: Happy Birthday

It's been a while since I have participated in Fadra's Sunday linkup but I figured today was as good as any day...because it's my birthday. You know the drill...5 minutes, no editing, writing in the raw.

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Today I enter my late 30's and turn 37. I have never been one to get bent out of shape about my age. It happens, we can't change it, so why fret? I have always been okay with telling someone my age. Except maybe when I was 18 - 20 and needed to be 21...but I had an i.d. that said I was what I said I was. I think I still have that i.d. somewhere. I probably should put it away before the kids find it and use it against me. 

This time last year we had spent a week in N.C. First we visited the mountains and partook in admiring the wonderful changing of the leaves. It's a beautiful thing to see and when you see it from the top of a mountain you realize just how small we really are. 

After sightseeing we headed east and spent some time with Tim's family. I was about 22 weeks pregant with Teagan and we were actually letting the cat out of the bag that my belly was indeed holding a precious baby girl.

I spent my actual birthday in Raleigh and it was on this day that I had the pleasure of meeting Fadra in person. It was this day that she kindly gave me the best gift...a stroller. You can read about that here. Meeting her definitely was fun and my only regret is that we didn't get to spend more time together or get a picture together. 

And now that I think about a year ago and today...I realize one thing...it's been several years since I've had an actual birthday cake. I freaking love cake and someone has been dropping the ball. I think I will need to rectify that this year...I'm having cake, if I have to buy/make/steal it myself.

Happy Birthday to me.

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So there is my 5 minutes...give or take 3 or so minutes. Want to linkup? Need to get thoughts out of your head? Click below and join us:

Stream of Consciousness: Mission Completion

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31 days ago I decided to challenge myself to post every day. I wanted to see if I could really do it. It was NaBloPoMo but I didn't sign up. I wanted to do this on my terms and be accountable to myself.

And I succeeded. My blog has had 31 different post and I feel accomplished. I actually took the time each day to post. Same days were easier than others and obviously some post are beter.

I only gained 1 or two more follwers but didn't gain anymore comments. If I am honest, that kind of hurts. Either what I'm saying isn't worthy of comments or my writing really blows. my ego is a bit bruiosed even if I did accomplish my goal.

Will I continue to post 7 days a week? Probably not. While it has become habit to think about a nightly post, there were times all I wanted to do was go to bed. But I pushed myself to post, to make it to the end. I'm glad I did...it feels goOd.

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Care to join in the Sunday fun? For rules and to linkup click below:

Stream of Consciousness Sunday: What To Say

You know the Sunday drill....

I have been sitting here for almost an hour, knowing I need to post but not sure of what I want to say. I actually got up this morning with several ideas that I wanted to give a go at and now they have all disappeared from my mind. It's been a long day. The kids have been waking before 7 and I am looking forward to the end of day light savings time. I don't know if it will make them sleep longer, but it's what I have in my head.

I have a week to go with my goal to post every day for 31 days. Keeping track has really made the month fly by. I didn't think I'd be able to stick with it but it's actually refreshing to know that I can actually set a goal for myself anf complete it. If only I culd do the same about working out. I think next month I will challenge myself to get back into writing some fiction. And then when NaNoWriMo comes along I will be ready to possibly tackle that...

Every notice how long 5 minutes seems when you have nothing to say or just want to get away? Or how short it is when you just want 5 more minutes? Amazing how that is, isn't it?

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Want to join in the fun? Click below and linkup!

Stream of Consciousness Sunday: Memories

It's Sunday which means it's time for my regular thang...

5 minutes, no editing, just flow and go...

When I look at my kids I wonder...what will they remember about this time, right now? Anything, everything, nothing. I know Teagan is still to young and won't remember anything. But Spencer...he's 2 and talks so much and can tell us everything he did during the day. What will he remember as he gets older? Will he recall the day I had enough and yelled? Will he remember the time I wanted to treat him and took him for donuts? How do we form the things we remember...what makes them memories?

My mother always says I remember only the bad and never the good. And when I think about my childhood and even my teen years...it would seem she is partly right. A lot of what I remember isn't so great. The punishments, the chores, the over protectiveness. Where have all my happy memories gone? My childhood was not all doom and gloom but why is it that I remember it that way?

Why is it I can recall a vivid memory about something that means nothing but when I try to remember a special birthday or holiday I come up with nothing? Am I doing this purposely. Maybe I need to be hypnotized? Talk things out with a therapsit?

And that's my 5 minutes...want to join in the Sunday fun? Click the button and read the rules and then link up!

Stream of Consciousness Sunday: When Is Enough, Enough?

Time for the infamous Stream of Consciousness Sunday. 5 minutes of your day to dump the mind. No shirt, no shoes? No problem!

I don't write these post with a topic in mind. I usually just go with the flow about what I am feeling and let the writer in me take over. I know a lot of times I write about how my SAH life is making me feel and I appreciate the comments. More than some of you can ever know.

Today I want to write but am afraid to share details. Mainly because I haven't wrapped my head around the details of what has happened. But as I try to come to terms the only recurring question is when is enough, enough?

When do you stop excusing someone's behavior because they are family? Or do you? If the person is a repeat offender and refuses to acknowledge their wrong doing time and time again...should you cut them off?

It is sad when someone is so insecure, so paranoid that they lash out. They have no filter in their anger and do or say things that can not be undone. They open wounds that get to a point where they can never be healed. Each scar deeper than the one before.

When is enough, enough? For me it is when what I love the most is not respected that way is deserves to be.

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This has been my 5 minutes. Need to clear your thoughts? Join in by clicking the button below. 

Stream of Consciousness Sunday: Words

It's that time again. Time for me to dump my mind and do it all in 5 minutes.

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I use to pride myself on being able to tell someone exactly what I thought. Of them, of their opinions, of my opinions. And I don't mean in a way that would be hurtful, but I just was never at a loss for words. I always had something to say. Sometimes too much. But lately? Lately it seems I don't have the words.

My husband can ask me something and I truly look at him sometimes and wonder why he is even asking me. I don't want to make a decision. I just want someone to do it for me and tellme how I should feel or think. Is this what happens to mom's after they have children? Is this part of what I now deem the "mom rut." 

I am in this rut, I am fighting to get out. To not feel burnt out. TO not feel like I am going to burst. To tell my husband how he can help me. But I just don't have the words.They are jumbled in my mind, on the tip of my tongue and I can't seem to spit them out.

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Need to dump your brain? Want to join in the Sunday fun? Click the badge below and link up:

Stream of Consciousness Sunday: In a Rut

Haven't done this one in a while...mostly because when I do have 5 minutes I don't want to spend it sitting in front of the computer.

I'm sitting here thinking about how fast 5 minutes will go and what I could be or should be doing instead of just sitting here. I've had a ot on my mind lately but it all comes back to the motherhood rut I seem to be in. I want to shake the rut, snap out of it before it breaks me. But honestly? I don't know where to begin. I've complained that it's like a perpetual groundhog's day around here and it is. We get up, we eat breakfast, we play, we watch TV, time for lunch. We eat, I dream about the kids napping, time for snack. We play some more, I hand Spencer the iPad, he plays, I console Teagan. Time for dinner. Teagan decides she wants a nap before bedtime and I am at wits end trying to give her waht she wants, cook and feed Spencer and clean up the kitchen. Bath time comes and inevitably someone ends up whining. Finally...my day is done and all I can think about is lying in my bed and listening to the silence. That is my day...every day. I don't take time for me becausw when my husband is gone, there is no real time for me. And when he is home? I am so tired, so burnt out, that I don't even know which way isup. The other day we went out to eat a late lunch and I forgot diapers and ended up bawling at the table because I felt like a failure. Ugh...so frustrating. And yes, I know things will eventually get better...but right now? In this moment? They are overwhelming and suffocating. And I feel like a hamster on a wheel.

*ding* There was my 5 minute brain dump. Want to release the hounds in your mind? Click the badge below and link up!

Stream of Consciousness Sunday: Things We Remember

Come join the fun...

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It's funny how the mind works. Most days I am thinking about 100 million things and the same things are in my mind when I head off to bed, some important, others no so much.  Last night was one of those nights.

I was putting Spencer to bed and happebed to scratch an area by my shoulder which houses a dimple. it's the only place I have a dimple and I use to be so proud. I remember reading somewhere that Libra's always have dimples. Don't ask me what a birth sign has to do with dimples, but I read it and set about finding my dimple. I always thought those who smiled and had them were solucky.

I don't remember when I found my dimple, but I did. Like I said it sits just behind my left shoulder. And even at my heaviest, it is still there. Touching it last night reminded me of an incident in college. A group of us where visiting a friend in another dorm. Just sitting around and gabbing, it was a mixed group. The girl whose room we were in had a serious boyfriend. As we sat there he suddenly touched my dimple and commented on how cute it was. I nodded and told him I was proud of it and then moved the conversation on.

I don't remember how long he touched my dimple or how the words were said but I remember getting a look from the girlfriend. A look at was not nice. It was as if she thought I wanted her man or he and I had some sort of inside joke about my dimple. Neither was true. He boyfriend was a friendly guy, who I was not attracted to in the least. I believe after that, she became standoffish with me. Eventually her and the guy broke up and he ended up being quite a pothead.

All this I remembered from touching my dimple...it truly is funny thr things we remember.




Here are the rules…

• Set a timer and write for 5 minutes only.
• Write an intro to the post if you want but don’t edit the post. No proofreading or spellchecking. This is writing in the raw.
• Publish it somewhere. Anywhere. The back door to your blog if you want. But make it accessible.
• Add the Stream of Consciousness Sunday badge to your post.

Stream of Consciousness Sunday: Stillness At Dawn

It's that time again...Stream of Consciousness Sunday! Every Sunday, Fadra hosts a day where we can write for 5 minutes and not worry about topic or typos. She's taking a break this week but head over to her blog to see past weeks and visit an all around cool person and blog.

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There is a quietness to the morning that isn't present any other time of the day or night. Well, maybe night but lately I haven't really been a night person and while I am not a moring person, I am slowly becoming somewhat of one.

I don't get amny of these quiet mornings. They begin with a toss and the realization that dawn is almost upon us. I lie there and am either listening to Hubby breath or listening to Spencer. Both have the same deep breath pattern. I look to the window trying to determine what time it is and if I am still tired enough to fall back asleep. Many times at that very moment I don't feel tired but will just lay and think of how our day will go. What will we do? Will I have to face any tantrums? Will I be tired before we are halfway through the day?

There are times the wind is blowing and I can hear the chime in the backyward making its tinkling sound and I try to let it lull me back to sleep. But sleep won't come and so I slowly toss to one side or the other. Still listening to the quiet breathes beside me.

You know when I finally do fall back asleeo? When Spencer decides he has seen enough light creep through the shades in his window to determine it is time to start the day. How am I going to survuive him AND a newborn?

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Want to join in on the fun? Head over to Fadra's blog and check it out.

Stream of Conciousness Sunday: Out of Focus

Focus. It's a small enough word but can pack a lot of punch, especially if you have it. This week in accordance with my belly update post picture I realized I am feeling quite out of focus. Even on a good day, things can be blurry around the edges.

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I remember after college being focused. Or so I thought. I sort of knew what I wanted but Iw as never one to look at the big picture. I really didn't have to and bought into the theory of living for today, working for today and the rest would fall into place.

But now that I am a mom of one and about to be a mom of two...I realized all along I've lacked a bit of focus. I was so sure things would fall into place and I would be able to handle it, that now I look around and realize things are slightly blurred. Out of focus, so to speak.

With a second child on the way I can't help but feel like I am a parody of myself as a mom. Am I doing it right? Am I caring too much? Am I not caring enough? Why does it seem everyone else is somewhere that I am not?

Truth be told I am scared. I am scared that baby girl will arrive and I will have a meltdown. I am scared that Hubby will leave for work for 4 days and will come back to his wife in an hot mess. A bigger hot mess than usual.

I want to be in focus. I want the edges to not be blurred and my mind to clear of the thoughts that are causing it to remain out of focus. I want to be okay with things that are coming.


Want to join in the fun? Head on over to All Things Fadra and link up. It's a great way to write without worry. Except for that 5 minute time limit.

Stream of Conciousness Sunday: You're Doing It Wrong

I've decided to give this weekly meme a try today. i've had a lot of things swirling in my mind all week and figured getting at least one of them out without trying to be perfect would be somewhat helpful.

Last week I flew to Boston with the Hubbs and Spencer. We went to see my brother and his wife, who moved up there for grad school. I use to love flying but now that I'm 6 months pregnant and have a child that doesn't undertand the meaning of no and quiet, it's hard. When Hubby is around to help it is easier. I gladly take the bags and strollers and let him deal with chasing Spencer around.

But when I am alone and doing it. I feel like I am doing it wrong. I feel like everyone is watching me and thinking "look at that mom, she fails." I lose my patience, I raise my voice. I even spank. I can feel my face get red as I chase Spencer, who has for the 100th time decided to go wandering.

If I put him in his stroller, it's better and I can ignore the crying and whimpering that ensues but then I am that other mother. The one that let's her child wail and bother those around her. I feel like I can't win. And since I am moving slower every day, it's just a moatter of time before he ends up hurt. Or at least that is how I feel.

I am doing it wrong. But at the end of the day, at the nd of a flight, someone actually told me I was a great mom. It did volumes for my ego. So thank you kind passenger. THank you.


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So there it was, my 5 minute stream of consciousness post. It wasn't so bad...but dang, 5 minutes goes awful fast!

Want to try it yourself? Head on over to All Things Fadra and link up.