Stream of Consciousness Sunday: I'm Afraid

It's that time again! Time to dump the brain and write in the raw. When you're done, don't forget to head over to Fadra's and link up.

Here we are a month from baby girl's due date and I'm not ready. I don't think I will ever be ready as most of my thoughts are fear related.

I am afraid that I won't be able to handle it and I'm tired of hearing how I will and things will be fine. No one knows thay for sure, myself even less. There are days I wake up cranky and look at my son and want tocry. How does it work with two children depending on me to buck up and get through another day?

I know there are mom's out there with more kids and less help but that doesn't abate my fear. Instead I feel like I'm whining about the way I feel. And if another person tells me I will feel better when she arrives and I am holding her? I will scream. Holding her will only make it more real that there is no turning back.

What if she arrives and I am lulled into a false sense of security because she decides to sleep and eat on a normal schedule? And then the family visits/help leaves and it's just the Boy, her and I and she decides she is going to show me whose boss? What then?

I am afraid that the husband will show up after 4 days of work and I will either be crying from relief or I will be dirty, mumbling and battling a twitchy eye.

I ask that if you want to encourage me, acknowldge my fear. Tell me it will hard, harder than I imagine. Tell me that I will constantly wish the time away even though I should try and enjoy it. Because as the day draws nearer? I am afraid, very afraid.

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Spencer Year 1

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Almost Famous - Week 2

If you haven't figured it out...Friday is my day for contributing to AndNobodyToldMe.com

This week I'll be talking about the husband and how having a baby, had me do him wrong. It was something I didn't even realize I was doing but then again...nobody told me.

Want to contribute? Have suggestions for topics we should cover? Click here and let us know.

Did you miss my post from last week? You can find it here.

Come on over and join the discussion and the community...you'll be glad you did!

34 weeks

Dear Baby Girl,

So it seems I am hooked on comparing my belly from the first time I was pregnant to now. As you can see...this time around I am HUGE. The difference is really quite big and I hope it's because you are breech and you are stretching things that your brother didn't. I really hope it isn't because you want to be even bigger than the 8 pounds 4 ounces he was...I'm not ready for sibling competition just yet!

I've had quite the itchy stomach and I think my stretch marks are bigger and there are more of them. I don't mind having them...but I want the itchiness to stop. It seems no matter how much lotion I put on it..it still itches.

You now have godparents. We asked and they accepted...Joey and Tatiana. They are Spencer's godparents and I know they will lead both you and he spiritually in the right direction.

That's all I got this week. 5 weeks and you will be an even bigger part of our lives. So scary and exciting!

Love,
Mommy

Wordless/Wordful Wednesday - Spencer and an Auntie

I took this picture over the weekend while we were in Florida visiting my family. We had coaxed Spencer to give his Aunt Brie a kiss and he did..this is his face just after. I love how she's smiling and he looks like "I did it, now what?"

My Monday Musings - Where Do I Fit?

Not sure where to begin today's muse...and I'll keep it nice and short. But for the last few days I've felt out of the loop. I've don't think I've been more tired than usual but maybe I have? Tired is my perpetual state of being and I cringe to think what I will feel like when baby girl arrives.

I feel like I'm missing something and at night? My mind races. I'm thinking about blogs and twitter and the things I didn't do that I wanted to do but forgot.

And then there are the things I want to say to people but don't. Why not? I'm afraid they won't get it. Or they will think I am being a big baby. I think this is the place I am feeling most out of the loop.

So many thoughts...so little time. Sorry for being all over the place and probably being the most boring post ever!

Almost Famous

Right, famous. I'd like to think so but really, I'm no where near famous. But I am featured today in the awesome new community on the web, And Nobody Told Me.

If you haven't made your way over there, trust me, you will love it. Even if you aren't a mother yet. The posts are real and revealing. And their meant to inform you without being condescending or making you feel like a failure at motherhood.

If you had made it over there and think you would like to try your hand at contributing then check THIS out.

33 weeks

Dear Baby Girl,

This week has been quite busy for us! We went and had some 3D ultrasounds done and you refused to cooperate. I wonder if this is a sign of things to come??? This week was also Mommy and Daddy's 7th anniversary. Some days it seems like we just met, as every day I learn something new and fall deeper in love with your Daddy.

As you can see I could not help but do a 3D comparison between you and your brother. I see some similarities but don't think you will be his twin. But you will definitely look like siblings.

And finally...you are still breech. I think you've been breech for quite some time and what I assumed was your tiny hiney was your head. I need you to turn! I'd feel much better going into things if you were facing the right way. I'm going to try doing inversions daily to see if that helps. Maybe you have already started? You've been moving even more than usual the last day or so. So please, flip, baby, flip.

Love,
Mommy

Wordless/Wordful Wednesday - Our Little Princess

There she is our little girl, our "princess." It's funny because I had a feeling she would not cooperate when we went in and sure enough, she didn't. She is breech and had her fingers and feet in her face most of the time. The poor tech worked so hard to get the shots that we have. I have to hand it to her, she was great. If you're in the Atlanta area, I highly suggest Shannan @ Stork Vision. She definitely has the perfect personality for the job and I felt totally at ease.

I need to look at Spencer's pictures and see if I'm going to have siblings that look like twins. I always think that's so neat! If memory serves me right I don't think they will though. She has way fuller cheeks. But she has his nose and lips. Well, only a few more weeks and we will really be able to tell!

My Monday Musings - A New Blog, Yo!

Today is not really a musing as it is a pimping post. Last week I wrote about writing and how I needed to get back into it again. Then suddenly, like a sign from the heavens I get approached by Fadra about an opportunity to write. I have to admit it gave me an ego boost, especially when she wasn't trying to refer me to a writing course!

Nope, instead she let me in on a little secret that is officially out of the bag today. A new blog. I've written about motherhood and how I am still waiting for my letter into the society. Well this new blog gives you an insight into all that and more. And I get to be a contributing writer! That's right, I can say I am a writer AGAIN!

Come on over and join some wonderfully talented ladies at the newest hotspot on the the Internets:



You'll be happy that you did! You can also like us on Facebook or follow on Twitter.

Stream of Consciousness Sunday: Happy Anniversary

Time to let the words flow, raw and unedited...time for

Today is my 7th anniversary. Seven years...I can remember meeting my husband like it was yesterday. And sometimes in my mind it really feels like it yesterday. I was single and doing the dating scene and striking out miserably. I remember just a few weeks before being let down my an older guy who told me that the next person I met was going to be "the one." I laughed at him, because I thought he was just trying to be nice.

He was right. I almost didn't meet my husband. We both lived in the same apartment complex and there was a pool party. He went for the free beer and I went for the free meal. I remember he was wearing a white Ralph Lauren polo shirt and khaki shorts. My favorite preppy outfit. He was tall and that was another fave of mine. I kept an eye on him all night and finally after a few beers I made my move. He says he made HIS move but really...he didn't have a move. He was and still is a happy, trust everyone go-lucky kind of man. We actually fit together really well...isn't amazing how that happens?

I truly believe there is someone for everyone. Sometimes you just have to look in the place you least expet and there they will be. Happy Anniversay to my wonderful husband and the best daddy I could have asked for my kids to have.

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32 weeks 5 days

No picture this week...too lazy to set the camera, just know that my bell-eh is BIG!

Dear baby girl,
This has been a helacious week in Atlanta. The city has pretty much been shut down do too snow, ice and freezing temperatures. You are lucky to be insulated from it all. But your Daddy was about to go stir crazy for being cooped up! Yep, Spencer gets his love of outdoors from him.

Your room is painted, a color called sheer green and it looks beautiful. We put up some pictures and the crib is in place. We still need curtains, a lamp and to move the changing table in but hopefully that will all be done by the time you arrive.

Love,
Mommy

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

Wordless/Wordful Wednesday - Thomas is Da Train

I don't remember when I began showing Spencer, Thomas but it didn't stick at first. I thought maybe he would just be one of those boys that didn't get into Thomas. For his first birthday I purchased a wooden Thomas and small 8 piece track. They didn't get played with and the track? Well he decided throwing it was so much better than actually playing with it. So I put it away. Fast Forward about 6 months and suddenly he is into trains. And now at 23 months? He can say Thomas,Percy,Toby, etc. He will ask me to watch Thomas and Friends. And the train table Daddy Santa bought him for Christmas? Super hit. Thomas is da train. We will be going to Day Out with Thomas this year and I can't wait!

My Monday Musings - Time to Write

I went back and forth today with what to muse about and yet here I am at 8 at night trying to get a post done. I never had enough time to really think about what I was going to write about because it seems anytime I do jump online I get sucked into the 5 things I needed to look up, catching up with Twitter and Facebook or doing something mindless that I never intended to do.

Yesterday I posted about writing and how I wanted to do it more and do it better. I think in order to do that I need to set time aside to do the writing. Even if it's just an outline or a paragraph about nothing. In the end it's something, right?

I have to admit, when I worked I felt like I had all the time in the world. Yes, even though I was in an office 8 hours a day. I was on a computer all day and it was so easy to jot down ideas or actually hash out a short story. And yet I was always one of the most productive employees in the office. I was the go-to girl. I knew how to organize my work and my time.

But now with a house, a husband and a child...I feel like I am always fighting to get a few minutes of me (i.e., internet) time without someone wanting or needing something. It is quite a conundrum but one I need to figure out and soon.

How do you organize your day and your time? Do some days feel like a battle for the time you covet? Share your secrets, please!

Stream of Consciousness Sunday: Writer's Block

Join in the fun, it's Stream of Consciousness Sunday!

I spend a few minutes each day thinking about what I will write about on Sunday and with a mind is constantly whirring, things can get pretty jumbled in my head. But on thing stuck out...writer's block.



While I didn't set any real resolutions, Idid decide that I was going to do better about taking time for myself. Taking the breaks I need to find the me I seem to have lost in motherhood. This break includes getting back to writing.

I use to consider mysefl a writer. I use to write every day and while I don't have anything published, I wrote for the joy of it. Poems, short stories, novellas, stories with no ending. It was an outlet for how I was feeling. A way to get back at someone that wronged me. It was therapeutic. And I loved every minute of it. I was good at it. Or at least that's what people told me who read my works of fiction. But it didn't matter because I did it for me.

Yes, I dream of one day being published and sitting with Oprah and talking about what inspired me and how I feel about my book being made into a movie. But in reality writing was a part of me. It was the artistic side of me and I loved it. But I've gotten away from it. Using one excuse after another and now? Now I have the ideas but can't seem to string them together to write more than a paragraph or two before I lose interest. I have some sort of writer's block. Motherhood writer's block. Or maybe the block is just all in my head?

All I know is I need to get back to a point where I am writing again. A point where I can say I am a writer and not feel like a fraud. I was a writer, damn it. And I want to be one again.

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31 weeks 5 days

18 weeks versus 31 weeks = WHOA!

Dear baby girl,

Here we are only 7 weeks away from seeing you and holding you. The time seems to have flown by and I am no where near ready! How can I be? I have no idea how I am going to handle two kids.

When I am dressing Spencer and he's being fussy and I think about maybe you will be fussy to and crying and I will feel overwhelmed. Will I be able to handle it? Will Spencer suddenly mature and want to be a great helper? That I CAN handle!

Tonight we went for a tour of the maternity center. It's fairly new and really nice. I think we will do just fine for the few days that we will be there. The seemed very helpful and nice.

You're still moving around like crazy...which is strange because there can't be much room left to move! I don't remember your brother moving this much but then again it's been over two years since he was in my belly and my memory isn't as great as it use to be.

Until next week,

Love,
Mommy

Wordless/Wordful Wednesday - My Picasso

This week Spencer had his first foray into playing with paint. I skipped right over finger painting and went right into paint with a brush. He seemed to enjoy it and created this masterpiece. I dated it and it now hangs proudly in the living room. My very own little Picasso!

My Monday Musings - Mommy, Mommy

Today's musing is brought to you by the word Mommy. A word that can be said with many a different meaning. But today I am going to talk about what it means when my son whines says it.

Being a stay-at-home has it perks. I can stay in my pj's and Spencer doesn't know the difference. When we wake, we can lounge in bed and snuggle without me worrying about being late for work or him for daycare.

But being a stay-at-home can also wreck havoc. I am the one person Spencer sees all day, every day. When he hurts himself he screams for me. When Daddy is disciplining and he doesn't like what he's being told? He screams for me. I hear "mommy, mommy" more times than I ever imagined I would.

I remember when he started making sounds and everything I read said he would say dada first. Guess what? He didn't. His first word was mama. And he would say it all day long! mamamamamam It was cute and endearing and I didn't mind at all. I even would reply with dada. I wanted my husband to have something endearing but it was a little while before dada came.

Then the day came when he switched from mama to mommy. It all seemed so grown up and I realized he really was moving out of the baby/infant stage into the toddler/big boy stage. I am mommy and he never lets me forget it. Not that I would, because it is one of the best titles I have ever held.

But there are times that I wish he would call for his daddy. That he would want his daddy. Those times? In the middle of the night when he should be sleeping but for whatever reason he wakes and can't settle himself back to sleep. It's that mommy, mommy, mommy that I wish was daddy, daddy, daddy. Not that daddy doesn't try...he does. But the only thing that it creates is a hysterical child screaming even louder for mommy.

Have I created a monster? Will he really wake up one day and realize that daddy is cool beans and mommy is not? And will I suddenly wish he was calling mommy once again?

Stream of Consciousness Sunday: Happy New Year!

Time to write in the raw with Fadra's Stream of Consciousness Sunday link up.



I have to admit, I have never really liked New Year's Eve and all the celebration that goes with it. Maybe it's because I never really did anything big on the night in question. I remember staying up as a child and making a lot of noise once the ball dropped. But I never went to any fancy parties and I think I usually ended up crying when the ball dropped. I was always sad that the year was over and I couldn't remember anything monumental that I had done. I felt like I had wasted a year and now we were into a new one and what the hell was I going to do?

Resolutions. I use to make them and then within a month I ha forgotten everything I said I was going to resovle to do better, bigger, etc. Another way to just make myself feel like a failure on december 31st. So I stopped making resolutions or at least big ones. I can resolve to do better for myself and my growing family. It doesn't take a genius to work on that all year, does it?

There is a lot on my plate this year and I just know that I need to take better care of me, so I can take the best care of my family. It seems quite daunting but I know if I just keep that resolve in my head at all times...2011 can be my best year ever.

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