Sunday, January 30, 2011

Stream of Consciousness Sunday: I'm Afraid

It's that time again! Time to dump the brain and write in the raw. When you're done, don't forget to head over to Fadra's and link up.

Here we are a month from baby girl's due date and I'm not ready. I don't think I will ever be ready as most of my thoughts are fear related.

I am afraid that I won't be able to handle it and I'm tired of hearing how I will and things will be fine. No one knows thay for sure, myself even less. There are days I wake up cranky and look at my son and want tocry. How does it work with two children depending on me to buck up and get through another day?

I know there are mom's out there with more kids and less help but that doesn't abate my fear. Instead I feel like I'm whining about the way I feel. And if another person tells me I will feel better when she arrives and I am holding her? I will scream. Holding her will only make it more real that there is no turning back.

What if she arrives and I am lulled into a false sense of security because she decides to sleep and eat on a normal schedule? And then the family visits/help leaves and it's just the Boy, her and I and she decides she is going to show me whose boss? What then?

I am afraid that the husband will show up after 4 days of work and I will either be crying from relief or I will be dirty, mumbling and battling a twitchy eye.

I ask that if you want to encourage me, acknowldge my fear. Tell me it will hard, harder than I imagine. Tell me that I will constantly wish the time away even though I should try and enjoy it. Because as the day draws nearer? I am afraid, very afraid.

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