Today I had a procedure called Essure which if goes the way it should guarantees us that our family will always only be 4. The fantastic four. A nice even number. A number that will give us each a child to ride amusement park rides with and snuggle with when there's a storm outside.
As I sat in the doctor's waiting room I thought about how I was feeling and if maybe I wasn't ready for the finality of things. But I am. I had a certain calm wash over me and I never felt the urge to bolt. If I am honest with myself there is only one thing that makes me sad...that I won't ever have the joy of being pregnant. Because even with a first trimester of nausea I still loved being pregnant. I liked knowing I had life inside me. I liked the concern people showed as I got bigger. I liked the attention. But I know deep down, 3 or more children is not for me. I'm getting older and want to be sure I can always enjoy my children not tire of them. Props to older moms, I just didn't want that to be me. I'm already considered an older mom but I didn't want to be that older mom. You know...the one that looks like the grandma instead of the mom?
I know as friends and family around me (that are younger...some way younger) begin to start their own families I will feel a twinge of jealousy. But when I look at my own family and see how we fit together, just so...I know I will be alright.
