Saturday, January 14, 2012

The Day I Cried

When anyone asks if I enjoyed my pregnancies, my answer is always a resounding yes! I enjoyed being pregnant a lot. Maybe too much. There was something about carrying life that just seemed so beyond me. Plus...who faults a woman for eating for two or taking a nap in the middle of the morning?

We are done having children and the last time I went to the doctor for them to check my Essure procedure, it was a bit sad. The procedure was complete and everything looked good. Meaning everything was final. It was very surreal to realize that I would no longer be able to get pregnant.

But it really hit me when my sister-in-law had her first baby last month and I sat in their nursery and rocked in their glider. The excitement was palpable as we waited for her and her husband to arrive with their bundle. And it was at that moment, in that room, sitting in their rocker that I cried. That would never be me again. I would never again have 9 months to fall in love with someone I could only feel. I would never see my stomach grow and be okay with its size. I would never be pregnant again. The tears fell and for a moment I wondered if maybe I could have handled being a mom of three...

I know that our family is complete. I can stand with my husband and watch the kids playing and am happy. Truly happy. I know for me and my sanity, that two is a perfect number. Until I had children of my own, I never really knew how much work they require. I can appreciate you mom's and dad's with more than two that make it work like a well-oiled machine.

There will probably still be moments when someone is pregnant and I will be sad, but only for one moment. I'm not bashful about my tears. They are after all, good for the soul.


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