Ready or Not?

Here I am upon the eve of Spencer turning 5 months old and I can't believe it. Most days when he is smiling at me as I sing some silly song and I see his eyes light up I still can not believe he is mine. I am a mom, his mom and no one can take that away. I wonder if I will wake up one day and finally believe it?

I thought after the first month of motherhood and doing what the books suggested I would wake up one day and start pumping and Spencer would take to a bottle and that would give Daddy a chance to feed him and give Mommy a chance to drive around the block with the windows down and the music up. Or head to Target with a Starbucks latte and look around knowing if Spencer got hungry, Daddy could handle it. Imagine my surprise when pumping felt like a chore and Spencer decided that fresh milk, straight off the breast was much better than anything out of a bottle! Good bye car ride, good bye Target.

I have gotten use to the fact that he has his preference and it may be a while longer before he can spend more than a few hours with Daddy. I pump if I know I have an appointment that can run long (doctors office anyone?). But usually that milk goes to waste because Spencer will spend more time spitting it out than drinking it. My mother says that if he is truly hungry he will eventually drink it and I am sure she is right...but I don't feel right. I can't leave him without worrying about what might be going through his head as his tummy rumbles and Daddy appears with a bottle. And so I don't go anywhere without baby and while at times it can be overwhelming there are things that are worse.

But I do think about being free to turn my music up or window shop without a stroller and baby bag. Or rushing through errands because someone is mr. cranky-pants. I've thought about movies and how I want to go see the new Harry Potter. Hubby and I have a tradition of seeing them at midnight, a tradition that we will not be doing for this month's new release. Why? Because I am not ready.

That's right...I am not ready to leave Spencer with anyone BUT his Daddy. Yes, I've thought about it and when I do, I get a tightening in my chest and can feel tears if I think too much. I am not ready to leave him just yet. I can't talk myself into it, no matter how much Daddy presses. No matter how much the grandma's prod. I know he will be OK, especially with his grandparents, but I am not ready. And all the asking and suggesting is not going to make me ready.

I am not ready...but when I am, it will be a bittersweet day.