Saturday, July 4, 2009

Ready or Not?

Here I am upon the eve of Spencer turning 5 months old and I can't believe it. Most days when he is smiling at me as I sing some silly song and I see his eyes light up I still can not believe he is mine. I am a mom, his mom and no one can take that away. I wonder if I will wake up one day and finally believe it?

I thought after the first month of motherhood and doing what the books suggested I would wake up one day and start pumping and Spencer would take to a bottle and that would give Daddy a chance to feed him and give Mommy a chance to drive around the block with the windows down and the music up. Or head to Target with a Starbucks latte and look around knowing if Spencer got hungry, Daddy could handle it. Imagine my surprise when pumping felt like a chore and Spencer decided that fresh milk, straight off the breast was much better than anything out of a bottle! Good bye car ride, good bye Target.

I have gotten use to the fact that he has his preference and it may be a while longer before he can spend more than a few hours with Daddy. I pump if I know I have an appointment that can run long (doctors office anyone?). But usually that milk goes to waste because Spencer will spend more time spitting it out than drinking it. My mother says that if he is truly hungry he will eventually drink it and I am sure she is right...but I don't feel right. I can't leave him without worrying about what might be going through his head as his tummy rumbles and Daddy appears with a bottle. And so I don't go anywhere without baby and while at times it can be overwhelming there are things that are worse.

But I do think about being free to turn my music up or window shop without a stroller and baby bag. Or rushing through errands because someone is mr. cranky-pants. I've thought about movies and how I want to go see the new Harry Potter. Hubby and I have a tradition of seeing them at midnight, a tradition that we will not be doing for this month's new release. Why? Because I am not ready.

That's right...I am not ready to leave Spencer with anyone BUT his Daddy. Yes, I've thought about it and when I do, I get a tightening in my chest and can feel tears if I think too much. I am not ready to leave him just yet. I can't talk myself into it, no matter how much Daddy presses. No matter how much the grandma's prod. I know he will be OK, especially with his grandparents, but I am not ready. And all the asking and suggesting is not going to make me ready.

I am not ready...but when I am, it will be a bittersweet day.

4 comments:

  1. It's ok to not be ready. Screw the books and all the advice from well-meaning friends (including me!!) :). Do things on your own time and then you'll be happy with how they turn out.

    I, on the other hand, want to take my life back. I've left Bjorn with my mom so Hubs and I could have a nice dinner for my birhday (he was less than 2 weeks old!!!) and I've left him for a while with the Hubs while I went shopping and got a much-needed pedicure. We didn't know how the bottle thing would go either, but we were lucky and when baby's hungry, baby eats! I would leave him with the Hubs, any of my friends, and with any of the aunts, uncles and grandparents. It's all about what makes you comfortable - and uncomfortable. Do what feels right.

    One of these days you'll be ok leaving Spence with someone, and when you do you 'll be relieved that you waited to do it on your time.

    BTW - when I saw your blog title, I thought "OMG, she's pregnant again!!!"

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  2. Also - to add to the world's longest comment - I also can't believe I'm a Mama! Last night I said to Hubs 'Can you believe that HE is OURS? They let us walk out of the hospital with him? We MADE someone this handsome and perfect???"

    I can't believe it either. I hope this never goes away.

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  3. It's been five months??!?!!

    My daughter never ever took a bottle, and I have a small warehouse full of different bottles and nipples because everyone I talked to suggested a different brand. Spencer will start eating some "solids" soon, so you will be less tied to him in that way.

    As for not being ready, I totally feel you! I left our 'baby' with grandma for the first time less than two months ago, when she was 21 months old! And it was only for 2 hours. I know that exact feeling you are talking about... I would almost cry at the thought of leaving her with ANYONE except Daddy. And I still felt nauseous when I left her at 21 months! Its okay. Either that or we are both crazy ;o)

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  4. You're the mama! You know what's best for you and baby. You know what you're comfortable with. And if you're not ready, you're not ready. We co-slept the first year and didn't put him in his own bed/room until one year. We weren't ready and neither was he until that point. He was on the bottle until 18 months old. He wasn't ready to give it up and neither were we - until that point. And when "that point" is reached, it's a pretty transition for both baby and parents...and you feel okay with it. All of the advise from books and people don't matter.

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