For a long time I really thought I never wanted children. I went through most of my life with this thought. Even when my mother would tell me that I would meet Mr. Right and that would change. I rolled my eyes like I'm prone to do and just nodded no. This wasn't going to happen...kids were cool, as long as they were someone elses.
And then it began to change, just like my mother said it would. I fell in love with a great man and being with him, made me want to think about the possibility of expanding our family. Of course ar first these were just fleeting thoughts. A cute baby here, a smiling toddler there. Seeing them made me think that maybe, now with an awesome mate I could be ok with a baby.
When we got married we knew we would not be that couple that rushed into parenthood. We wanted to enjoy married life and our new home. Plus I still wasn't 100% convinced that momdom was for me. I mean let's face it, I can be lazy and extremely selfish. I would look at mom's getting out of their vehicles and shook my head as they pulled out strollers and bags and just looked harassed by the time they made it in the store. Or the families at dinner with a child wailing while patrons around them tried to act like it was ok. I thought about how I enjoy getting up on a Saturday and being able to just throw clothes on and go about my day. Or sleep in. Or stay up late reading, surfing the next or watching TV. All activities that revolve around ME and what I want to do, or not do.
So now we fast forward to 3 years into marriage and the talk and thought of parenthood is on the top of our brains. I assumed this was my biological clock ticking..telling me my eggs were getting old as I teetered on turning 33. Our families began hinting about it, as families will do. And so we began talking about it a lot more. I began looking at names and we began fantasizing about how life would change. We even came up with a plan...that fell by the wayside.
And so now into year 4 of marriage we are onto another plan...because in my world organization is key. I am sure a baby will disrupt that world...but now that we are ready, it won't be a bad thing.
Yes, there are still days I doubt myself. Can I really do this? Will I be a good mom? I think that to date is my biggest fear. Being a good mom. But I imagine this is a fear most women have and I guess only time will tell if I made it or not.
So here I am reading How To Choose The Sex Of Your Baby by Dr. L Shettles. Because even though you really can't plan for a baby, you can...even if it's all in my mind.