Sunday, October 11, 2009

Did someone say tired?

Yes, they did. That's me, tired. You know that tired you get where all you think about is sleep? That's me! Or the tired where you swear if you close your eyes for a mere moment you will fall sound asleep? That's me too.

This tired is different from the one I was feeling when we first brought the baby home. When he came home and I felt tired, I was also excited cause hello, I was a new mom and all of the things that went along with the tired were new and exciting. I didn't have time to think about sleep and rest and showers. I became part of the mommy club and I wanted to relish every part, no matter how hard it was.

Fast forward 8 months later and all that newness has just about worn off. I want sleep and not just a few hours at a time, but at least 9! I want to be able to run to the store and not worry about the fit he may throw before I get halfway through my shopping. I want to roll over in my bed and not worry that my movement will wake him before I am ready for him to be up! I want to be able to have family visit and leave him for an hour without feeling like someone is trying to suffocate me.

No one told me that I would turn into that mom. Yes, THAT one. The one that loves being home but at the same time is jealous of the friends that can still go as they please. Sure, I can still go but most of the time I'm too tired. I am the mom that has the baby in the bed with her because having him cry it out isn't an option. I am the mom that still can't leave him with anyone but daddy because the guilt of him MAYBE missing me makes me ill. Someome please tell me how did this happen and when will it go away??

I didn't read too many preggo/parenting books before Spence got here and the ones I did read where funny and honest. They would probably offend old school mother's with their words about motherhood being great but not 100% of the time. I have to agree, every day is a new challenge and a lesson in patience. You think you have it licked and then look in the mirror and realize you spent the day with baby food in your hair. I spend a lot of time seeing things from the babe's level and as I'm crawling on the floor or pulling him from the dog bowl for the umpteenth time I have to laugh. This wasn't in any book I read! Where is the book of instructions? Surely by now someone has created Baby for Dummies?

And in the end, when he looks at me and says "momma" and gives me his toothless grin, I smile back and the lack of sleep is forgotten; the food in my hair just a distant memory. I scoop him up and hold him close and memorize the way he looks and sounds because there will be a day he won't want to make me laugh or have me hold him close. There will be a day he declares himself grown and all I will have are these memories.

4 comments:

  1. Hang in there! The first year is so wonderful, yet so hard in so many ways. You're doing a great job though. Never feel guilty for taking that extra time to play or to see things from his perspective on the floor. You never get this precious time back, so keep making the most of it!

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  2. Still sleeping in the same room when TJ was an 8 mo old? Check!
    Not willing to let an 8 mo old TJ 'cry it out'? Check!
    Still havent left a 2+ year old TJ with anyone other than my husband? Check! (unless you want to count that whole emergency appendectomy thingie)
    Jealous of other moms who can come and go as they please? Check!
    Not really having any advice for you? Check!!!!

    Okay, it happened because you are a good mother and you take your job seriously... and hopefully that will never go away :) And, btw, you nailed it in that last paragraph.

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  3. You are a great mommy, always remember that. However, great mommy's also need a tad bit of time to themselves. Any chance of working in a date night when you have family in town? It'll do wonders. Please don't make me have to drag you out of your mom's house - sans baby - when you are in Florida to take you to dinner (and drinks). Because trust me, I will seriously do that!!

    But most importantly, you are a great mom and you love Spencer will all you have, and THAT is why you do the things you do!

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  4. I have not slept going on six years now. LOL My two boys have never stayed with anyone but me or their DAD. In the bed...both boys still are most nights. WHY? With my husband gone lots I can not sleep when they are in their rooms...what if something happens? OK SEE my FREAK FLAG FLYING? NO I am just trying to tell you that this was a GREAT and HONEST POST. IT is exaclty LIKE you described it. As they get OLDER they still will through fits in the grocery store...seriously MY ALMOST SIX YR OLD and FOUR YEAR OLD did not even let me get through half of the grocery shopping before I had an all out war on my hands...tonight infact. I was so smiling when I read your post...ON so many levels. I get IT and I understand it. I get IT. Ever need anything just email and we can laugh together.

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